ASK BORS
by Ysolde
Summary: Your agony uncle Bors'es column in the Camlann Gazette. No problem's too big, and none too small.
1. Have no fear Bors is here!

_**Usual disclaimers apply.**_

* * *

Hello there, my favourite Scumbags!

YES, it's true : Bors is starting a career as columnist and general agony uncle, here in _'the Fort Camlann Gazette'_. Dispensing advice, common sense and an ear for listening to all o' yer troubles, great an' small. Problems with the ladies? Need help raisin' the kids? Disputes between friends? Practical solutions? Legal questions when settling debt after a game o' dice? Or just plain feelin' down on your luck?

Bors answers all (ALL!) questions, and he's here to listen to all o' you! Let's kick off wi' a few o' the letters which I've received as a reaction to the adverts down the mess.

* * *

_Hello Bors._

_I, er... I mean, a FRIEND of mine would like to know how you get in contact with the ladies, and make them like you. Do you have any advice?_

_Sincerely,_

_Galah... __ Tristan._

Why hello, Galahad.

First off, don't be shy about askin' yer uncle Bors. It's always possible to be anonymous, or sign with a pseudonym.

Speaking of which, even though I know Tristran doesn' read, I think 'ed appreciate it if ye spelled 'is name right.

So. Wanting to know abou' the ladies, eh, Gal? I am surprised with as much time as you spend hangin' about with Gawain. What with 'im callin' 'imself 'Big G.' an' all, I'd 'ave hoped he'd 'ave taught you a trick or two.

But then, he always was a sod. Actually, would you do yer uncle Bors a huge favour an' be so kind as to tell 'im he still owes me 5 sestertiae? An' so help me if he doesn' pay 'em back by next new moon I'll 'ave to bash 'is head in.

Have a good one,

Bors.

* * *

_Dear Bors. _

_One of our acquaintances recently can't find his piquante french lingerie. He is a fellow of somewhat unstable temperament so we'd like to resolve the situation as quickly as possible. We're both in a bit of a hurry. Do you have any advice? _

_sincerely, _

_Brad and Janet._

Hello there, ye two lovebirds.

Fancy undergarments aren't me regular area of expertise (to be honest, I find undergarments in general to be suspicious. Also, they send you itchin').

However, ye might try and search for yer friend's clothing at my friend Lance's place. He collects all sorts of odd things.

If ye 'ave no luck, try confrontin' 'im with yer predicament. If he won't spill the beans, hit 'im with a hammer an' take off 'is armor.

The rest should be as easy as doin' the Time Warp.

Good Luck,

Your uncle Bors

* * *

_Dear Bors,_

_Every time my son meets a new child, boy or girl, he promptly hits them over the head with his fist. How can I break him of this habit?_

_Sincerely,_

_Distraught mother._

Bors is afraid he doesn' understand what the problem is.

Please be advised that this is a serious column for folks wi' REAL trouble on their mind, an' stop wastin' my time.

B.

P.S. : Give me luv to da as well. xx

* * *

_Dear Bors,_

_I'm writing you to ask for a bit of marital guidance, as I understand you yourself are a spouse and father of 12._

_I am a King by profession, which is a busy career, and sometimes I worry that my wife somehow feels unappreciated. She has taken to some rather peculiar habits lately. I do not usually write to newspaper columns, in fact, I must stress that the thought had never, __**ever**__ crossed my mind before. However, the situation is starting to make me feel somewhat insecure, and I thought it better to seek out counsel rather than let my marriage suffer._

_The long and short of it is that she's lately taken to wearing underwear of a sort usually worn by males. Furthermore, I somehow felt sure I'd seen the garments in question somewhere, probably in the male partition of the thermal baths. Yes, I have to admit it. I couldn't help but suspect that she, shall we say, were less than faithful._

_However, when I confronted her, quite understandably she became very distraught. I realise that somehow I must be the problem, and would like to know whether you know of any good self-help groups for husbands suffering from unwarranted jealousy?_

_Best regards,_

_A.P._

Dear A.

My buddy Dag 'ere told me to tell you that if you want to be anonymous, in this case it might not be the best choice to put your profession. The King-sector is small, and everyone knows each other.

So much for the counsel from Dag. As for meself, I have only this to say :

You're being had, mate. Take it from me. You really are.

Bors.

* * *

_Hey Bors,_

_One o' me friends 'as been losin' face cos' of one o' one o' the Fort Scouts. It's tha creepy one with the bird, ye know, the one nobody likes. He din' show proper respect an' seemed to think all the legionnaires o' the 2__nd__ cohorte are a bunch o' sissies. He din' really SAY it, bu' my friend said he could see thas' wha' he thought._

_Now, we've decided to teach 'im a lesson, if you catch my drift, we reckon since no-one likes 'im, no-one'll miss 'im. _

_By our reckoning, the two of us'll be enough to take 'im down. What d'ye reckon?_

_Claudius, 2__nd__ cohorte_

Claudius,

Go ahead.

Really, do it.

:-D

Bors.

* * *

Yes, all you Ladies and Legionnaires, Centurions and Cataphracts, scoundrels and Sarmatians, Brits and Bretons, Romans and Redheads – this was the first edition of 'ASK BORS', the column to watch out for!

Now, in order to return next week, we need YOU to write to Bors! Ask 'im anything. Nuthin's too big, and nuthin's too small. Uncle Bors dispenses 'is wisdom without hassle. He knows there's no problem in this world that can't be solved. If nothin' else, then by puttin' it on an ice floe an' hittin' it with a hammer.

In the meantime, Bors wishes all o' you a good week. May your beer not go stale an' your wall-duty be without rain-showers.

Ta,

Bors.

* * *

_**The call has gone out. **_

_**Do not write reviews. Write to Bors!**_


	2. Shut yer gurns, Bors returns

_**Author's note : this edition of ASK BORS proudly present co-writer, my friend Alan.**_

_**He is from Milton Keynes, which, it turns out, helps a lot.**_

_**Thanks to those who wrote to Bors, this week including Readerfreak10, Raie Lono, Isabelle LH, 'dahalag' (riight...), JMMendiola, and last but not least, Antonius and Dafydd from 2nd Cohorte!**_

_**Let's pass the word to everyone's favourite agony uncle.**_

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_Hello again, Scumbags!_

_Welcome back to __'the Fort Camlann Gazette'. Dispensing advice, common sense and an ear for listening to all o' yer troubles, great an' small. Problems with the ladies? Need help raisin' the kids? Disputes between friends? No enough uses for that axe?_

_If you've got a problem, and no one else to turn to, maybe you can hire... BORS!!_

_There have been a steady inflow of cries from those in need. Let's see what titanic challenges await..._

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Dear Bors,  
I have a problem-well obviously- anywho..my family to put it simply are a bunch of lazy bums. I do everything...well pretty much. EVEN WHEN I AM SICK. I have the bloody flu and I am still taking care of everything. How do I get them to help me out?

Ta,  
Influenzic Server

_... and where is the problem here sonny, eh?_

_My missus (bless 'er 'eart, she's brought a lot of bastards into the world) has 'ad to manage 7 sprogs intramit... intummit... A LOT, ALRIGHT!? Last pair she popped out (Bradley and Hatchet, lovely kids) were birthed during one of her songs. Voice like an angel, two babes on one teat, me on the other and a new pair of Bors's dropping during the 13th stanza!_

_And YOU has it hard eh!? It seems clear to Bors (for I am he) that you think you're the alpha... got news sonny, there ain't a letter in the roman alphabet that suits your predicament._

_However... Bors is not an unsymphonetic man. Remind your family that winter is coming, and that the fireplace will fit any of them if that's all they can help with._

_Failing that, put them on an ice floe and get Dag to smack it with an axe. That'll learn 'em... learn 'em HARD!_

_Next!_

* * *

Dear Bors,

Well er, I'm jest writin' ter tell ye that I'm more than a fair bit worried abou' a friend o' mine. Now, 'e's normally quite a charmin' feller, jest fabulous ye know. Never does anythin' wrong or nothin'. Tha's changed! Jus' the oth'r day I saw 'im calmly lickin' blood off 'is own fingers! An' tha's not the only appallen thin'! He seemed ter be ENJOYIN' it! It wasn' even 'is own blood! I'm worried fer 'is sanity, is there anythin' ye can do ter 'elp?

Hysterical

_Tell Tristran he can fuck right off._

_B._

* * *

Dear Bors

I need some advice from you. My friends are constantly teasing me about my style of clothing. Should I change my style or just be myself?

Dahalag

_Why, 'ello again Galahad!_

_Nothing better to do 'ave ye? I distinctly thought youse was the one to be on shift this week but then wi' that skirt I can see why ye'd stay in. It's been sort of windy off late._

_... look at it this way kid: at least you're not Lancelot._

* * *

_Bors._

Dear Bors,

Please excuse my wonky handwriting - I'm a little, whatchoocallems ... hungover ... yeah. Well anyways im writing to tell you about my problem. I can't help it yeah, so I don't need some nun/sermon that the bloomin' Romans would say to me. Just because I lost their game in gambling hm. Yes, anyway, I see to have a problem ... down there ... no I don't mean everythings gone droopy ... I can't seem to stop it coming out every night.I just can't help it the way Bertha the barmaid looked at me t'other night, and Agrona t'night before massaging my back, then Alaine in t'stables... yer, yer, you get the picture. Now one o'them wenches is now pregnant and he dad is going to kill me. I don't know what to flamin' do! I'm out of control ike some rabid dog and I aint ready for a kid. Help me will you?

Stressed.

_...See what I mean, kid?_

_B._

* * *

Dear Uncle Bors,  
I been tryin' for sometime now to catch the eye o' one of your friends, the cute one in the kilt? I tried talkin' to him, servin' him first in the tavern, I even sat on his lap one night, an' he just turned all red and still wouldn't talk. The other knights don't seem to have a problem with me and I really don't want to hit him over the head wi' a hammer. What should I do?

signed  
A puzzled barmaid

_Bertie, luv,_

_So, th'other knights "don't seem to 'ave a problem with thee" ? Based on th' testimony above, I'd say that might be an exaggeration, bu' then i's none o' my business._

_Now understand this: The kid is thick. I mean thick! Thicker than... well, just really thick. Hittin' 'im over th' head wi' a hammer sounds effective enough, so I don't see the fuss. Might even get 'im to pass out long enough fer your purposes._

_However, if I was you, I'd say quittin' the habit of rollin' in the hay with Lance-a-lot ev'ry night might bring you a long way as well._

_Ta(rt),_

_Bors._

* * *

Dear Bors.

For the past three years I have worked in the same daycare center. You know, the one a short ways away from your Vanora's pub. A new boy(age 3) has recently been enrolled and he is a major BITER!

No, he's not one of yours, don't worry about it.

This boy has bitten more than a few children and almost all of the care staff, including myself more than twice. The little bugger even escaped out of the center and BIT A KNIGHT! ... I think it was the one that calls himself 'Big G' ? Anyway, you have twelve or eleven children yourself. What kind of disciplinary actions should the staff and I take? We've tried the time out chair, reprimanding him face to face and everything. NOTHING WORKS! What should we do, Bors?

Sincerely,

Caregiver Julie

_'Ello luv, and thank you for confidin' in Bors._

_Clearly the beastie in question is channelling unchecked aggression, an excess of energy synonymous with the growing process. Recommended measures include an extended exercise regime, more oats in the diet and less sugary treats, and regular opportunities to fight and breed where possible._

_... crap, that's horses. Sorry luv, I'll ask the missus and get back to you._

* * *

Hello Bors,

We're a couple of fellows from 2nd cohorte, who are starting to get a bit worried. You see, a couple of our comrades (Claudius and Paulinus) have gone missing. Last we heard, they were preparing to defend the honour of 2nd cohorte. Some guy who'd shown disrespect. They went off to do something about it, and we haven't seen hair nor hide of them since.

It's a bit embarassing, and Centurion Polonius is in a rage. D'you reckon they might have deserted?

Sincerely, on behalf of 2nd cohorte,

Antonius and Dafydd

_HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..._

_Deserted their senses all right. _

_My old ma used to say, she'd say : 'as ye sow, thus shall ye reap'._

_I never really understood what the ol' bint meant, until today._

_This is so rich._

_P.S: 'Ave a word with the shifty bloke with the bird. He might know something._

_Go on. Really. It's quite safe. If he doesn't seem talkative, just act a bit threatening. That'll loose 'im right up._

_Bors._

* * *

_Yep, once again, Bors is happy that so many seem to be in need of 'is wisdom! Remember :_

_If life gives ye sores,_

_then talk to yer uncle Bors!_

_Ta,_

_B._

* * *

**_Once again, can't stress it enough - this enterprise depends on the readers of this column. Write to Bors!_**


	3. Keep on yer knicks, Bors got the tricks!

(This time, ASK BORS has been written in the main by my two best friend's Anni and Zsófia. The former channels Galahad when she's got the flu or just feeling pathetic. Beat that! Yes, I know, you can't. This being my whole point. Let's leave the word to him straight away:)

* * *

**_Most apolopletic am I,_****_ lasses and lads. Cannae say as I've had much of a moment o' peace of late. Latest mission damn long, an' the small un's teething already. Gotta think of a name soon. Really. Honestly!_**

**_So I'll get right down to it, ere the missus get 'er knickers in a twist_**:

* * *

Bors

i found this little injured falcon hatchling but i'm a people healer not an animal healer. also i'm very shy and don't really talk to people, could you find out if Tristan would be willing to help me care for it until i can release it in the forest?

Lucretia

_**Dear Lucretia,**_

_**Honestly, the subtlety of your agenda leaves me speechless. Truly speechless.**_

_**So I'll just anxer the question:**_

_**I don't think Tristan is the right person to ask. He'll probably just bite the poor chick's head off… On second thought: he's more likely to bite **__**your**__** head off!! Crazy bastard.**_

_**B.**_

* * *

Bors,

A barmaid is constantly harassing me(fetching drinks, flirting,

sitting in my lap, etc) and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

HELP!

Galah-Lancelot! LANCELOT DAMMIT!

_**Hello again Galahad,**_

_**Dry your eyes and have a biscuit, yer uncle Bors is here to help. This time my advice will be: Just show the fair maiden who is wearing the **__**trousers**__** 'n' everythin' will be fine.**_

_**Best wishes,**_

_**Bors**_

* * *

Dear Bhors: when are you and vanora going to stop having kids? yeah I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that but hey it doesn't hurt to ask right :p And what does Lancelot do to make his hair look so gosh darn amazing what with the perfect curls and all, cause I want some of that stuff ^^ and tell Galahad to build more muscle cause he looks pretty scrawny to me...I kind of wonder if he just crawls through his enemies legs to get away and then whacks 'em behind the head...seriously how does he survive on the battle field? Thanks Bhors!

_**Hullo kid!**_

_**A hell of a lot of questions you have there, eh? Well. Lets start from one end, though not with the first one – you know just as well as I that it's a pseudo-question. **_

_**About Lance's hair: first of all, you must be nuts to think it looks "gosh damn amaz**__**ing". That man is a freakin' poodle! Secondly, I have no idea what he puts into his hair, but it stinks like a skunk, of that I'm sure! In the night he sleeps with what must once've been his ma's hair net on to keep his locks tidy an' all that. Makes 'im look like a tosser, in the opinion of yours truly. Naaaah… get a hair style like yer Uncle Bors here. It's a sure winner with the ladies. **_

_**About Galahad, he might look a little thin 'n' pale, but he's trained by the best (yours sincerely).**_

_**Yours Sincerely,**_

_**Bors**_

* * *

Dear Bors,  
I kinda like Dagonet... Problem is, I'm too shy to talk to him... What should I do ?

_**Hey luv**__**,**_

_**Lets face it: if you don't start talkin' to him, nothing will happen. The big lump never says anythin'. So here's Uncle Bors' advice: get a grip!**_

_**B.**_

* * *

Dear Uncle Bors,  
Being an innocent and serious maid, how do I keep Sir Lancelot away from me? I mean, the guy just doesn't give up!

Love,  
Anonymous (I can't sign, he won't leave me alone as it is.)

_**Dear**__** Siân,**_

_**Grives me heart and me pride to say it but....**__**Not even Bors can help you in this matter. It's the question without an answer. You could scheme to catch him wearing his hair net 'n' then point and laugh. It will certainly wound his pride, love, but I'm not sure it will solve your problem.**_

_**Wait, isn't my missus your boss. Ax her then, leave us alone!**_

_**Bors**_

* * *

Dear Uncle Bors,  
I have a problem. For some reason, the Romans keep staring at me. You know, the ones who stand around pretending to be busy, but are really just bothering innocent bystanders? They call themselves the second something or other. What can I do to get them to stop?  
Sincerely,  
Nahirta

_**Dear Nahirta,**_

_**Romans start staring the moment they leave their mother's womb. There's only one way to stop them, an' that's by poking their abnormally bulging eyes out.**_

_**Tah,**_

_**Bors**_

* * *

Dear "Uncle" Bors,  
Ma says you need to stop your scribbling and come help her. Gilly's chasing girls again.  
Love,  
Two

_**Dear Two,**_

_**Tell Ma to keep her knickers on. I'll keep the scribbling short.**_

_**Love,**_

_**Pa**_

* * *

Dear Bors

I am a girl of no more than 13 summers and I have had a lot of trouble trying to talk to boys (namely Sir Tristan). I have tried on numerous occasions to gain his attention or to converse with him but all he does is stare and grunt, could you please offer me some advice. Oh and also how do I get rid of a certain dark knight who only wants to lift my skirts.

Yours sincerely  
Mutpadarra

_**Dear Mutpadarra,**_

_**I'm gonna have ter be honest with you, Tristan doesn't like children in **__**that**__** way. Hell, I'm not even sure if he likes **__**women**__** in that way.**_

_**About Lance, a good hard kick in the groin is usually efficient.**_

_**Yours sincerely,**_

_**Bors  
**_

_**

* * *

**_

_**Bors 'as got to go now, ladies an' Romans, or there'll be right a barbarella. Keep writing 'em, I'll get round to replyin'. Eventually.**_

_**Special salutations to the lads o' 2nd Cohorte. **_

_**Cos ye should always salute a man with respect if he's goin' to his death.  
**_


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